Kids Say the Darndest Things

I try my best to avoid Bill Cosbyesque cute kids stories. Maybe kids do say the darndest things. But when they don't have age-appropriate expressive language skills, they say the most confusing things. For example, the first kid I saw at work today is four years old. He's sitting at the table and I sit down and ask him how he's doing. He responds with a question of his own.

First thing out of his mouth is "Do Mike live in a sausage?" Before I can even try find the context for his question, I need to do my job: teach him age-appropriate grammar. First I make him ask me if I live in a sausage, but with the correct form of "do." Leaving no stone unturned, I make him ask me again, only this time with the pronoun "you." This takes some time because the kid is really shaky with all the forms of "do," so now he's asking me "Does you live in a sausage?"

The net effect of all this is, once we have ironed out all of his grammar errors, he has now asked me if I live in a sausage seven times (in one form or another). I probe a bit, making sure sausage is the word he means to use. I confirm that by "sausage" he means the Merriam-Webster and pork industry definition of sausage or some 4 year-old definition of sausage, which could actually be "red brick house." But it turns out he means the sausage we eat.

I'm at a loss, so I say, "No. Do you live in a taco?" And he gives this incredulous look like I just asked the dumbest question ever and says without the hint of a smile. "No. We eat tacos. I live in a house." I wanted to say, "No doy you hypocrite. Why don't you shut up and go make me a house made out of sausage." But I refrained and got on with the lesson plan. Even so, and even if it is with someone 27 younger than I am, this stands as the strangest conversations I've ever had. I am still looking for the context.


Last September and October, another kid used to ask me at least five times a session, "You go to monster cave?" I wanted to say, "What the hell are you talking about?" but told him time and time again, "No, I don't go to the monster cave. Do you?" But he kept asking, so there had to be a context. Then on Halloween Eve, I was driving home on Shepard Road for the 40th time since Labor Day. I therefore drove past the "Spooky World Haunted House" for the 40th time and BINGO, it hit me, that was the monster cave. Context found.

But do I live in a sausage? I don't think I'll find that context to that question on the roadside of Shepard Road.